Sunday, August 01, 2010

Been awhile.

There are times that I felt like the phantom of the opera punching the keyboards away in my dungeon but hey, instead of a dungeon, I live in my own fort. At least, a dungeon is included in it. Maybe living alone for too long with absolutely no social interaction has taken its toll. I mean, why the hell did I volunteered, or was volunteered to research for a 35 million research. Good thing is that at least I can say that I have helped, but on the other hand, I sacrificed too much, or too little? In the end, it is just me and I will get what I want.

Been living without equals has such a dire effect that somehow, I felt that there is a lack of control in my life. Maybe that is because i could not get along with people my age. Mutual respect, fine phrase. The all important phrase that I could not understand, but, why will someone understand me then. I am bipolar, OCD, MPD. I just could not do it, somehow. Maybe it can be fun to have a crazy one in a group of people but hey, I have my own entertainment value right? No, it is only when it gets too personal that I may be wondering why things are what it is.

In my small little world, there is just me. No one is suppose to crossover to the line, but when i cross, I cross too far. Too far in fact which attributes to tons of my screw ups. I had too much screw ups but I do not have the courage to face it. Yes, I am a coward when it comes to principle issues. I fear that my principles could be challenged. Thus, I put in a lot of fake layers into my character. Forging someone that is not me on the outside. Maybe, I dont know who am I really is now. What is me, who is me? That is the utmost important question that I put it in limbo where everyone have theirs when they are 15 years old. Am I just slow?

Probably I will just forget what I have promised myself in this blog not far in the future but yar, I suppose that I must change. But into what, subtle, drastic. Looking back to all my post, deep inside, I have not changed a single little bit. I am my same old self. That inferiority complex. Yes. I am still pissed at every thing in life, the only difference is that the anger become sophisticated. and catalogued. I have not changed. Should I change or should i not. To me, things just comes and goes, no ideas, no complicated issues. It is just me, against the world.

1 Comments:

Anonymous Debera said...

I can sympathize with what you are going through. I have bipolar disorder and I know that having my friends and family around me to help me cope is what gets me through. OI don't know how you can do it alone. I want to share a very helpful site http://onlineceucredit.com/edu/social-work-ceus-ba that offers a lot of information about overcoming bipolar symptoms. I hope this helps!

4/13/2012 02:17:00 PM  

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